Interview with my Life Coach Linda Frank -Part 1
Interview with my Life Coach Linda Frank -Part 1
Nafije Prishtina:
Today, we welcome Linda Frank, an art therapist, who will
give us some wisdom on life and relationships. So thank you so much, Linda for
joining us. It is my pleasure to introduce you to the shining stars circle, as
some of them already know your name because I refer to your wisdom a lot in my
coaching conversations. This is a great opportunity for them to get to
know a little bit more about you and learn some more from you. So let's start
by asking you to give us a little bit of background on yourself and what you
do and all that good stuff.
Linda Frank
Right. Thank you so much Nafije. I'm honored to be here. So my name is Linda Frank, and I live in Huntsville, Alabama. I am a licensed professional counselor and art therapist and had been practicing since 2002. I grew up in New York, and did my undergraduate work at the University of New Mexico in Albuquerque in the mid-70s. And have a degree in psychology in Spanish. And in February of 1981, moved to Huntsville to work for my dad, and then in 1994 changed careers and became a financial advisor. And in 1998, I attended an art therapy conference and then decided to bring my love of art and psychology together to become an art therapist. And I moved to Santa Fe in September of 2000 and went to Southwestern College and received my master's degree in art therapy in 2002. And have been practicing as an art therapist and a licensed professional counselor since then, I stayed in New Mexico until 2008. And in 2009, moved back to Huntsville, and have been practicing since then, and developed a practice that my training was in. In working with the developmentally disabled, and with people who were in trauma, I worked at the red crisis and trauma treatment center. And so what's interesting is the convergence of my working with trauma and working with people who have developmentally disabled, that are this development in developmentally disabled sorry, has given me a very broad perspective on people and how I work with them.
And so what I often do is work with them where they are. And so
whatever the issue is, we talk about how to manage themselves in a way that
helps them to feel empowered, and in control. And really, that's the basis for
all of the work that I do with clients now, in particular, because oftentimes
people are dysregulated. And they don't know how to manage the stress that
they're experiencing. And there's a lot of that going around now. And, and
because of the pandemic, it's brought things much more to the surface. And I
think that there are long-standing issues that people have had, that are now
coming up because they've had to deal with being alone, or being with a very
small group of people with their families. And that's increased the tensions,
and they've had to adapt to another way of living their lives. And so that's created a beautiful opportunity for people to connect at a deeper level
with themselves. And, from that perspective, to look at what are the things
that are challenging them? What are the things that limit them? So I hope that
that helps.
Yes, definitely. I mean, you said so much in there. Yes, our
unresolved trauma definitely pops up when we least expected it. So, I am a witness
of that myself as I observe what's going on right now in the world with Russia
starting another war is bringing a lot of memories from my childhood. So but
thank God we have people like you who can help move us past that. So I actually
would like to know, how do you help individuals with your expertise with your
art therapy, to balance their health and their overall wellness.
Linda Frank
So what I would say to that is, I work with art in the sense of allowing people to connect with art in a way that's helpful for them. And so I often invite them to draw and to do a check and drawing. And oftentimes, people have what I call our trauma. And they've had an experience as a child or as a, in their youth, where an art teacher was really insensitive, and not very able to be open to other ways of creating, and that they have somehow judged that person, and that person decided, I can't draw. And what I would say is, there's nobody who can't draw. And what I mean by saying that is, it's not about a product, it's about a process. And so what doing art does is it allows us to connect with that inner part of ourselves. It's like dreaming. And so we don't lie. There's no way to lie with a drawing. I mean, clearly, you can intentionally not draw what's going on. But the whole idea is, if somebody comes to me, they're coming to me because they want help. And so one of the things that I do is, I can give them guidance, I can give them strategies, I can give them techniques, I can share another perspective and another way of looking at things that might help them to expand their perspective and their perceptions. But in fact, the work is really theirs, and I can't do their work for them, I can encourage them. and I can let them know that if they continue doing things, the way that they're doing them, they're going to continue to get the results that they're getting.
So I will call people on Okay, so why aren't
you doing what I've given you to practice in order to manage yourself in a way
that works better for you. And I said I understand that it's, it's new, and
it's different, and it's unfamiliar. And I absolutely allow for you to learn
this new habit. But that's what this is, this is learning a new habit to help
you to manage yourself and your nervous system. Because one of the things that
is, is foundational is our breath. And our breath is what connects us, or gives
our body nourishment, or our brains nourishment. When we breathe, and when we
breathe into our bellies, what we do is we give our bodies more oxygen. And
when you give your body more oxygen, you give yourself inability, or you allow
yourself to think more clearly. So if you think about it, if you take a breath
in, and you breathe from your belly, so you when you breathe in, and you expand
your belly out, and then you bring your belly in when you exhale, what you're
doing is you're giving your nervous system an opportunity to calm and that is
what we need, we need to self regulate, we have to take responsibility for how
we are reacting or responding. And I distinguish between reacting and
responding is that reacting is not is an automatic response. Responding is a
conscious choice or an awareness of how we are responding to a given
stimulus if you will. So, when we do that, it gives us the sense that we're in
control of ourselves. And I think the most distressing thing for most people is
that they don't feel in control. They feel out of control or they feel
manipulated or controlled by someone else. And so what I often say to clients
is who was responsible for your thoughts or your feelings, enter your
behaviors. And they say to me and me, and I say to him, Yes, and you are the
only one that just responsible for your thoughts for your feelings, and your
behavior. And who is responsible for everybody else's thoughts, feelings and
behaviors? And they say they are. And it's very interesting. When they start to
apply that in their lives, what they recognize is that they've been taking
responsibility for other people's feelings. And that is not helpful. Wow.
Let me stop you right now. Let's dive a little bit
deeper into some of the things that you just mentioned here because there's so
much wisdom in every word that you're saying. So thank you so much. So it's
very empowering to know that we can influence that process that helps us. I
mean, in my coaching, I help people take mindful breaths. And it's just that
like, the, the, the minutes that you spend in, you know, just following your
breath in and out and empowering yourself. So definitely, I feel that for
myself, and my clients tell me the same, they're like, wow, I can just stop,
take a break. And I'm like a different person, thank you for reminding us about
mindfulness-based acts that we actually have control over. And I like something
else that you said, I mean, that is just so amazing. You said that we have the
choice to react to life situations, or respond and reacting is the easy way
out, it's automatic, we can say whatever we want to say and that it's not
always good. Like, if you're a professional, like most of the people that
followed us Are you don't want to go in front of your boss and start saying
whatever comes to mind. So you already mentioned a lot of your process and how
you work with your clients. But for somebody who has never worked with you, or
maybe they never worked with any therapist or a life coach, I'm curious to
know, how do you help your clients on, you know, defining their goals? For them
to work with you?
Linda Frank
So it's a really excellent question, not yet. So what I do
is I use a form that I call a treatment plan. And what we do is we describe
what are their strengths? And what are their limitations? And then we identify
what, what are the underlying problems if you will, and then we identify how
does that show up for you. And what I call that is as evidenced by so it may
affect your eating, it may affect your sleeping, it may affect your way of
getting triggered, it may affect any number of ways that you respond to
whatever stress is going on in your life. And so we identified those areas because those are the areas that are going to change as you begin to do your
work. And then we describe what are the goals. And typically what the goals
will be especially to begin with, are for you to manage your stress levels. So
I invite clients to use a stress scale, which is a scale of one to 10, where 10
is the highest, highest stress level. So you're you're over the edge when
you're at a 10. And you really want to be between a two and a four. Because how
easy is it to calm yourself when you're at a six or seven? How, how clearly do
you think at a six or seven. Ideally, you want to be able to calm yourself
quickly. And you want to be able to recognize, okay, I need to take a breath
and need to be present with myself, I need to get up and I need to leave this
room because I'm getting really stressed out and I need to be able to calm
myself down. Because if I continue escalating, it isn't going to get easier,
it's going to get more difficult. And so what I encourage people to do is to
look at where are they now and to use what I call a stretch goal. And to say
okay, so if you were going to go to the next step where you're managing
yourself in an effective way, what would that look like? Where would you be so
you may start out at You know, saying that your life where you generally are is
a six, a five or a six? Because you're really stressed out. And maybe
you spend a lot of time in the seven to nine, which is really distressing to
you. And that's why you've come. And so we talk about Okay, so where are you
now? So if you're at a, let's say, you're at a five to a seven, what amount of
time? Can you be at a two to four? So maybe we say, you say to me, I'm at a two
to four, maybe 20% of the time, or 30% of the time, and I say, Okay, fine. So
that's where you are currently. So what would be a good stretch goal for you?
So we might do 10 or 20 percentage points higher. And then we're going to look
at a timeframe, right? Because anytime you set a goal, they need to be smart
goals, they need to be specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, and time-bound,
you really want to quantify what it is that you're trying to achieve. And once
you do that, your subconscious those to work on them. And so we set a timeframe
of somewhere between four to four to eight weeks, but typically somewhere
between four to six weeks because ostensibly it takes us at least 21 to 28
days to change a habit. And so we use that as a tool to look at what do
you think you can do. Now, we also add to that, to be able to calm yourself,
right and to go from, let's say, you're having a really hard time and you're
staying at the seven to nine place, or do you or 50% of the time. And so what
we might do is say and it takes you a half a day to calm down. So
what we might do is we might say, Okay, so let's say you're going to be able to
calm yourself, easily and quickly. But say you're at. So from six to eight, for
anything above a six, you're going to be able to calm yourself quickly within
an hour, right? Let's say an hour, two hours because what we want to do is we
want to make it achievable. We want to make it so that you can do that. And
then we say where you are right now. So that's kind of the structure. And then
we define what are the modalities. So we might do art, we might do visual
visualization, we might do some hypnosis, we might do some cognitive-behavioral. So being responsible for yourself, the cognitive-behavioral
triangle, you're responsible for your thoughts, your feelings, and your
behavior is also a really big part of it. And the other part is being aware and
being mindful. Right. So those are some of the modalities that we might use in
order to help you to, to do that. So one thing that I didn't add is discharge
criteria. And most of the time, what I encourage people to do is to think about
what is it going to look like when you know that you have completed your work
with me? And why are you coming? And what is it that you hope to get out of it?
And what do you want to walk away with? And I often use a metaphor, what
is it going to look like? What is it going to taste like? What is it going to
feel like, when you come into my office and you say we're good? I'm complete
with what with the work that I've done. So I think that's the structure that I used with people to help them to define their goals.
Oh, that is quite a process. And I just love the idea that
you're giving people the space to clear their heads by starting where they are,
and guiding them to where they want to be. So that the process is so powerful,
just do as you described, and I'm thinking how much we need to do that in all
aspects of our lives, whether we are at 4547 Just Just knowing that that's how
you breakthrough with your, you know, blocks and make progress with your
goals. That's very powerful. And also, you said that it takes four to six weeks
for us to you know, see some results in our progress. That is such good news because most people think oh, I have a coach or I have a therapist and I'm
going to change tomorrow. So that's not realistic for us to think that
Linda Frank
yeah, we have to give ourselves time to change the habits.
Because what we do is we learn to respond, or you learn to react in a
particular way to stress Well, if you learned a very unhealthy or unproductive
or not helpful way of reacting, then you have to replace it with something else
that is more health. And so you need time to establish that new habit. And so I
encourage clients to start out their day by taking 10 deep breaths and ending
their day. And before they go to bed with the same 10 breaths, and then to
encourage them to monitor and notice where their stress levels are. And when
they increase their stress levels. What is it that's increasing that level? Is
it a thought? Or is it a feeling? What is it that you are thinking that's
causing you to escalate your stress level?
You said something normally, you were explaining to us the
triangle, can you tell us more about what is that and how we can learn to use
the triangle concept.
Linda Frank
So I think the triangle concept is more around. If you
make a triangle, and you look at behavior on one corner, thoughts at one corner
and, and feelings at another corner, they all lead to one another. Right? So if
in fact, you're aware that you get stressed out by a certain thought, that
thought is either going to lead to a feeling, or it's going to lead to behavior and that behavior is going to cause a feeling and then a thought, and
it goes around. And so one of the things that you can do, at least this is one
of the things that I practice with some clients is to follow that triangle and
find out what's underneath this, what's underneath that feeling what's
underneath that thought, what's underneath that behavior. And to follow it around
until you come to the place where you recognize, oh, this is the underlying
issue that is causing me to respond, or to react in this particular one. Is
that helpful?
Oh, definitely. I
mean, it just sounds so simple, but it's so powerful, I could see by just us
describing how that would, you know, bring us more awareness to what's going on
in our heads or not hearts. So back to what you said early, you know, we have a
choice to react, or, you know, respond to a situation that we want, have
control over and hopefully improve for better.
Linda Frank
Something, something
that's really important to remember is, and this is something that I talk to
clients about, anytime you get triggered, that's yours. It's not about the
other person triggering you. But you get to be responsible for your response.
And that is very light life-changing to recognize, oh, I'm choosing to respond
to this. There are no victims. So if you're getting triggered, that's your
stuff. And chances are, it's a very old pattern, and it comes from childhood.
Wow, that is just amazing. That's true. Definitely. I mean,
I see that for myself, and a lot of people that I work with. So let's dive in
further and let's take advantage of Linda here and learn a little bit more
about what are some of these common issues or habits that people come up with,
as you're working with them in your therapy?
Linda Frank
Absolutely. So I would say at the top of the list is
boundary issues. And when I say boundary issues, it's typically people not
having boundaries, and people having ideas about what their boundaries
are, but those are very unhealthy. And what I mean by saying that is they try
and take care of things can be responsible for things that are not theirs. And
they don't have any control over it. Right, like people getting upset about the
political system. Right, They can do things themselves that are helpful for
them. But they individually are not going to change our political system,
right? So it starts with us recognizing that the feelings that are coming up
inside of us are ours, and we get to deal with them. There's, there's not any
way for us to avoid the fact that we get to be responsible for ourselves.
That's very empowering, right? So it's, it's kind of this double-edged sword.
It's like, Oh, my God, I need to take responsibility for myself, I need to be
responsible for the thoughts that I have. I mean, I can't point fingers. I
can't blame somebody. No, you can't? Well, you can. But it's not going to be very
productive. And how helpful is that for you? How's that working for you? It's
kind of like this, oh, I'm looking in the mirror. And I think that's another
thing when people are bringing up things for us, it's an opportunity for us to
look at them and say, Wow, hmm, that's bringing up some stuff for me. Maybe I
need to look at that. And that people are only reflecting back to us. things
that bother us. I mean, if you get triggered by something, there's something
there. So boundary issues. So are you in matched? Meaning? Are you pretty
codependent? Are you? Do you have a healthy boundary where you know, where you
begin? And another and another ends? Or are you do you have really rigid
boundaries? And so looking at how do you handle your own boundaries, I mean, we
have a tendency to have a particular preference for responding to life in a
particular way, and having boundaries. But there are also situations where
we've decided it's not safe to respond in a particular way, because of
something that happened in childhood. And it has to do with what stories we
make up about what happened, right. So there's what happened, there's the
facts. And then there's what we made it mean. Right. And so oftentimes, what we
do is what happened is collapsed with what we made it mean. And that is the
place where we make up stories, right? It's not the truth. It may be our
version of the truth, but it is certainly not the truth. And when we get clear
about we're making up a story, to support what we believe we are looking
through eyes that have blinders, we're not looking at the whole situation,
we're not considering there's another way to look at this. There's our way and
then there's, there's not any other way to look at it clearly. So you know, it
helps to be perceptive to the fact that there's another way to look at it.
Definitely,
Naw, I just have to say thank you for explaining it from
your point of view like that, because it's all about boundaries, like even with
our self-regulating ways and you know, how we deal with ourselves and then how
we deal with other people.
Linda Frank
So I think what underlies all of that is trust issues, and feeling safe. So if we grew up in a family, where it was not safe, to be ourselves or to express ourselves, then we learn that it's not okay to be self-expressed. And when we learned that we learned not to trust and part of that comes out of not trusting ourselves, right? Our parents are imperfect people. They typically come from dysfunctional families, and their parents came from dysfunctional families and their families come from dysfunctional families, so they don't have a really good role model for how to be and how to set healthy boundaries. Not only that, but they don't know how to allow a child to feel safe, because they're too Find to regulate themselves when they don't know how to behave. A lot of times when parents get angry, they get angry because they feel out of control. If they felt in control, they wouldn't need to get angry. They could very calmly say, Guess what? This isn't working for me, you get to go to your room, you get to stop doing what you're doing, are there going to be consequences? Or, I mean, there's any number of ways. But it all starts with healthy boundaries. Once we have healthy boundaries, then we know what's safe. And if we know what's safe, then we know what's okay for us to do and what's not okay for us to do. A lot of people grow up in very unhealthy environments where there's alcoholism, there's physical abuse, there's sexual abuse, there's all sorts of violating boundaries going on invading one's privacy, not having space that one can call one's own. There are a lot of circumstances under which people grow up that are not ideal. And so how do they find a way to feel safe? And a lot of those ways that they develop to feel safe are not healthy as adults. And so we have to learn, we are not children. We don't have to do what we did when we were a child when we didn't feel safe, and we didn't have the agency, if you will, to determine, Okay, that's not okay with me, you can't treat me that way. Or I'm not going to accept that. Now that we're adults, we can set healthy boundaries. I don't know if that kind of answers that question a little bit better!
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